burudani – Kikuyumoja

A Twitter meme, started by Alen Wekesa (@iAlen), a Kenyan resident in Tanzania, on how to know you’RE Kenyan.

In chronolocigal order, just because some of them are so true. Incomplete, mixed-up list as of 08. September, lunch time, RTs (re-tweets) not included. Enjoy + pls feel to add some more, either via a comment or via Twitter.

@zionafrika #youknowyourKenyan when you arrest all youngest with dread locks for the clam that they are mungiki member
@jke #youknowyourKenyan When a conversation with another Kenyan goes like this: “Ah, so you’re from Kenya? Where from?”
@jke #youknowyourKenyan in the diaspora when your folks in Nbo only call you to ask for kitu kidogo or for that *urgent* Paypal transaction
@Udisco #youknowyourkenyan when you call every City/Town Council “Kanjo”…
@jamesmurua #youknowyourkenyan When your roadside maindi dealer doesn’t have pili pili and you raise a hissy fit.
@bytebandit #youknowyourKenyan when you meet a childhood playmate who had one of those nicknames e.g. toi, boi, mdogo etc
@mkaigwa #youknowyourkenyan when you call your daughter “Mum” and your son “Daddy” #buthowwouldiknowidonthavekids?
@majiwater #youknowyourkenyan when customer serivce agents always have an excuse and blatantly deny responsibility for not delivering service.
@tchenya #youknowyourkenyan when All children have annoying nicknames. (bebi, toi, boi, kadogo, nyako, dadie, toto, kanono, twig)
@tchenya #youknowyourkenyan when u don’t have genuine containers or utensils, you only use margarine, ice-cream Blue band, Kasuku, Kimbo
@africafeed #youknowyourkenyan If @coldtusker and @Kahenya accuse you of corruption.
@majiwater #youknowyourkenyan when ‘no’ or ‘I dont know’ dont exist in your vocab. You always have an idea or always an expert.
@majiwater #youknowyourkenyan when recycled and repackaged ‘visions’ and ‘dev plans’ since independence still give you hope of a brighter future
@mountainous @youknowyourkenyan when you belive that voting for the same clowns every year because they have defected to a new party will change anything
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you blame TV for corrupting the morals of Todays Children yet you let them watch what they want.
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you laugh at how bad things have gotten here… sad sad sad
@Kizee_Brian #youknowyouarekenyan if traffic lights are just a suggestion and you do what you want anyway #youknowyourkenyan
@tchenya @mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when youTotally agree with the wrong grammar #wearekenyan off course
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when your politicians say “dont worry El nino will solve the drought problem” – praying 4 one disaster to solve another!
@Mkaigwa #youknowyourkenyan When you don’t remove the plastic cover from your remote, your car seats or your new mobile phone!!!
@mkaigwa #youknowyourkenyan When you don’t remove the plastic cover from your remote, your car seats or your new mobile phone!!!
@mkaigwa @paulakahumbu Hilarious! What about the fellas and ladies on Facebook using pictures of celebs (and having no other pics) #youknowyourkenyan
@mkaigwa #youknowyourkenyan when you want to say what another Kenyan wanted to say first @Tchenya I was just about to tweet that. #iknowImkenyan
@mountainous #Youknowyourkenyan when the only time you visited the game park was during a school trip (Sad!)
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you miss every deadline – Africa time is… ouch!
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you use a cute chick avatar on twitter and you’re a guy! Cheap stunt to get followers!
@tchenya #youknowyourkenyan when your follow #youknowyourkenyan instead of #youknowyouarekenyan
@tchenya #youknowyourkenyan when your radio station reads news from your daily newspaper and you still have to listen to news.
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan if you are still waiting for the ‘Serikali’ to ‘give’ you a job! <== Kwani its an entitlement, look for it.
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you complain about everything, power, roads, water, school, food, etc and do nothing!
@tchenya #youknowyourkenyan when you read #youknowyourkenyan tweets to understand who you really are
@jke #youknowyourKenyan when you are still waiting for Nyayo Car.
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you insist on negotiating every purchase!
@inteligensia #youknowyourkenyan when you write tweets long enough that they continue next line (via @TChenya)
@tchenya #youknowyourkenyan when you use twitter instead of woofer.com
@tchenya #youknowyourkenyan when you write tweets long enough that they continue next line
@mountainous @youknowyourKenyan when you ask for a WARM BEER! This has been pointed out so many times by foreigners.
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan because nobody has a landline anymore
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when your power is off 3 days a week and they double your bill , and you don’t say anything.
@careyeaton #youknowyourkenyan when you don’t question the publication of prices of sacks of vegetables in the newspaper.
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when power company bills u wrongly by 20,000 & says pay & we’ll resolve the problem – or we’ll disconnect u immediately
@careyeaton #youknowyourkenyan when you tell foreigners that ugali is cuisine.
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you must have a #HARAMBEE for everything! Amen!
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you must have a #HARAMBEE for everything!
@Akarumba #youknowyourkenyan when your MP says ‘I dont earn a 6 figure salary, I only make 800,000!! – Unbelievable!
@careyeaton #youknowyourkenyan when the only thing you know what to do when you drive up to a gate is hoot
@inteligensia #youknowyourkenyan When you tell ignorant peeps that r runners keep fit by running to school, running from lions (via @paulakahumbu)
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you groove to gospel tracks at the disco
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you have worn a pair of safari boots
@Akarumba #youknowyourkenyan when your MP says ‘I dont earn a 6 figure salary, I only make 800,000!!
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when a hole in your ear works like a “KWS smart card” – know what I mean? Free park entry 4 life!
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you actually take that 500/- before entering the poll booth…and then vote for the idiot!
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you proudly wear shorts, long socks safari boots and say “I’m from Keeeeenya”
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan When you tell ignorant peeps that r runners keep fit by running to school, running from lions – I do it all the time :)
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan coz billions r made by foreigners fm biopropsecting and none of it comes home – stonewash story
@RookieKE #youknowyourkenyan when your mother’s sitting room has all your graduation potraits,and she wants more.
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you pay a processing fee then fly to Nigeria to collect your “winnings” in an online lotto scam – WTF?
@inteligensia #youknowyourkenyan because our politiians s think ‘blog’ is a rude word (via @paulakahumbu)
@VIKKISECRETROXS #youknowyourkenyan when you’re disapointed at the “chai” lattes at Starbucks and you wanna go home everytime you think of REAL tea
@VIKKISECRETROXS #youknowyourkenyan when Obama being president is a reason to drink
@MosesKoinange #youknowyourkenyan when you drink on the beach and feel NOTHING hahahaa
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you can’t work without a steaming cup of tea at your side
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan because our politiians s think ‘blog’ is a rude word
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when u shake ur fists at pedestrians as ur matatu overtakes traffic by hurtling down pedestrian paths on major highways
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when you put 5 teaspoons of sugar in each of your ten cups of tea – then wonder why u got diabetes
@mountainous #youknowyourKenyan when you start reading the newspaper with sports, then stars, then cartoons………
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourkenyan when the boss of your online company talks about the ‘interweb’ in a fund raising meeting – ouch!
@davdalx #youknowyourkenyan when you say your instead of you’re, but still follow the trend
@bytebandit #youknowyourKenyan when you say “imbox” while referring to “inbox”
@gishungwa #youknowyourKenyan if you bargain everything including bus fare
@bytebandit #youknowyourKenyan when you see a commuter taxi aka mathree conductor hanging precariously on the door.
@mountainous #youknowyourKenyan when you have peculiar calling habits eg jamming the network promptly at 5PM every Friday
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you get used to washing in a bucket
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when the presidential escort rounds roundabout wrong way crashes into matatu beats up driver 4 risking presidents life
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you realize your convent school classmates are involved in corruption scandals – gr8 education!
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when peeps greet you with their twitter names in public – “Hi I’m miss Wretched” @misswretched gr8!
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when most of ur tweeps greet u in the morning n ask if you slept well :-)
@natekev #youknowyourKenyan when international artistes fail to show up in ur country days to their concert
@dnyaga #youknowyourKenyan when you speak #swanglish (Me i kulad, i somad, … , then i lalaad!) (via @mtotowajirani @kenyanpundit @intelligensia)
@bytebandit #youknowyourKenyan if you get an adrenalin rush and dance like whoa!! when the DJ hits a gospel track in the club.
@bytebandit #youknowyourKenyan when someone says “crips” instead of “crisps”
@Wyndago #youknowyourkenyan when you utter half a word in the middle of a sentence just to complete it ‘..then he ca..? He came’
@inteligensia:#youknowyourKenyan when you speak #swanglish (Me i kulad, i somad, i twittered, then i lalaad!) (via @mtotowajirani)
@kairitu #youknowyourkenyan when some random mamaz show up at your house and tell the mboch “tumetumwa na mwenye nyumba tuchukue gas,fridge….etc”
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you sin all week long and expect that going to Church, listening to Christian music on Sunday will erase it all
@gitts #youknowyourkenyan when you buy a Toyota yet you wanted a Subaru
@gitts #youknowyourkenyan when the car in front of you is a Toyota
@kairitu #youknowyourkenyan when you cant wait for mayoral elections to happen coz most definately cityhall watauana
@AkelLove #youknowyourkenyan when you’ll take anything that’s free.
@AkelLove #youknowyourkenyan when your president is senile.
@gitts #youknowyourKenyan when you pronounce heart, hat, hurt and hut the same way
@kairitu #youknowyourkenyan when the goverment announces an emergency vaccination then the parents go like “they want to make our kids sterile”
@gitts #youknowyourKenyan when you have a VHS tape of Sarafina in your digs
@gitts #youknowyourKenyan when you are surprised that the road doesn’t have any potholes
@gitts #youknowyourKenyan when telling a story you say half aword and wait for it to be completed
@gitts #youknowyourKenyan when you have a dog called simba and mbwa kali sign on your gate
@gitts #youknowyourKenyan when you pronounce Milo me-lo instead of my-lo
@gitts #youknowyourKenyan when every time you alight from public transport you have to check your pockets
@inteligensia #youknowyourKenyan when your neighbours kids are called ocampo, obama and bolt! (via @mtotowajirani)
@magaribina Si #youknowyourKenyan when you somehow manage to turn every third sentence into a question, yeah ?
@magaribina #youknowyourKenyan if you measure distance by shillings ( si mbali – ni thirty bob tu)
@MosesKoinange #youknowyourKenyan when someone shows up 2 hours late and says ‘don’t worry, it’s African time” (time to kill them!)
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when the whole village (including the chief) come for your graduation ceremony and insist on decorating you with Tinsel!
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when christmas lunch or any party isn’t complete without Chapatis
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you expect “Serikali” to do everything for you, feed, educate, cloth, employ, treat. Heck even pay your Dowry!
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan whenever you asked by a TV reporter about any calamity/problem you respond starting with “Serikali inapaswa kusaidia…..
@wilfylou #youknowyourkenyan when you say excusssss instead of excuse me.
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you ask for a salary advance the week after payday!
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when your ultimate concept of going out is Nyamachoma in a dingy joint while grooving to Mugithi/Benga/lingala
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you think only people from Central love money, We ALL love money!!!!!
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you actually believe HIV/AIDS only infects unmarried/loose/poor/uneducated people
@mountainous #youknowyourkenyan when you insist on staying on the more expensive, unreliable, congested cellphone network
@egm_photo #youknowyourKenyan if you complain about the dirty condition of the streets/roads, yet you toss stuff out of your car window free style!
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you send a hot chick credit and she flashes you back to just say thanks!
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you can’t get your grammar right even in the hash-tag @paulakahumba
@mountainous #youknowyourKenyan when you stop the matatu infront of your gate then spend all day bitching about how Matatu are causing jam
@mountainous #youknowyourKenyan when you wait till the last minute to do your back to school/christmas/household shopping
@mountainous #youknowyourKenyan when you flash someone and when he @ she calls back you only say you wanted to say Hi!!!!
@mountainous #youknowyourKenyan when you call someone just to ask ‘uko wap?’
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when someone insists there only one First family and Wambui et al know otherwise…..
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you call State House and the person on the other end goes, “You want a srap?” lol
@bnalyanya #youknowyourKenyan when you can’t get your grammar right even in the hash-tag
@iAlen #youknowyourkenyan when on Sunday Kibaki didnt go to kabarak for sunday service!
@iAlen #youknowyourkenyan in Tanzania having a Tusker and its just tastes like crap!
@iAlen #youknowyourkenyan when your in Tanzania and wabongo are speaking in Swa!
@Shiko_Msa @iAlen @paulakahumbu @crystalsimeoni when peeps queue at express counter with trolleyfulls #supermarkets #youknowyourkenyan. @toneendungu
@iAlen @Shiko_Msa @crystalsimeoni @Mwirigi #youknowyourKenyan when there’s no news on the news (its the same old same old) haha
@iAlen @Shiko_Msa @paulakahumbu @crystalsimeoni RT #youknowyourKenyan when goodbye’s end in “nice time”…uh…yeah you too…
@Mwirigi #youknowyourKenyan when there’s no news on the news (its the same old same old)
@crystalsimeoni #youknowyourKenyan when goodbye’s end in “nice time”…uh…yeah you too…
@iAlen @paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you say “Hello” and he answers “fine” …what the hell do you say next? hahahahahahahahaha
@iAlen @kainvestor@Shiko_Msa @paulakahumbu RT #youknowyourKenyan when someone calls you and says “who am I speaking to?” hahaha
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you get back from holiday and your manager says “your back from China?”
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you’re next door neighbour is a Mungiki adherant and you cant report it to the authorities
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when someone calls you and says “who am I speaking to?”
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you start negotiating for you wallet from the pickpocket on a mathree
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when being able to say “I’ve never given a bribe” is something worth getting a prize for
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you steal from public coffers and get reappointed Minister
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you say “Hello” and he answers “fine” …what the hell do you say next?
@iAlen @queenkenya562 @MosesKoinange @paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you call a parastatal and the receptionist goes, “kunatia?”
@paulakahumbu @Shiko_Msa nice one …and #youknowyourKenyan when she says “Imagine” in response to every statement
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you call a parastatal and the receptionist goes, “kunatia?”
@Shiko_Msa @paulakahumbu when the word ‘otherwise’ is a greeting #youknowyourkenyan?
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when police refuse your offer of pie in a bag in response to “can u give us something for lunch” – I did that :) ha ha
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when police get into ur car 2 get 2 next police check then offer u KSh 200 for fuel – 4 hours later!
@paulakahumbu @ialen #youknowyourKenyan when the radio DJ tells a crying woman who called in to stay with her brutal husband for the sake of the kids :(
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when the breakdown service truck is being towed – I saw that today!
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when the traffic police are push starting their car
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when u turn on radio and they r playing Roger Whittaker – we must b the only people on the planet who listen to that crap
@iAlen @paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you get “leave a message” when you dial 911 lolest @moseskoinange @ialen @kainvestor
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when they give you anti malaria pills for a headache
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you get “number out of service” when you dial 911 or KWS hotline for that matter
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you get “leave a message” when you dial 911
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when you tell the guy who jumped the q to go back to the end and he says “do you know who I am?”
@paulakahumbu @moseskoinange @ialen @kainvestor #youknowyourKenyan when ur warned “uta lala ndani” for worn tyres
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when Michuki rattles at you and you cant do anything about it!
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when half of the MP’s in the house have past criminal convictions! ouch!
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when 17 screaming cars 42 bikes with flashing lights pull traffic off road 2 let Rais attend to a golf lunch on a Monday
@wayneryner #youknowyourKenyan when you rape, steal n kill and expect your kids to love n respect you
@paulakahumbu #youknowyourKenyan when 17 screaming cars 42 bikes with flashing lights pull traffic off road 2 let Rais attend to a golf lunch on a Monday
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when F 2 is beckoning at midnight
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when your listening to Genge!
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when Kenyans dont know about twitter Trending Topics and cant contribute…..hah
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when karaos on night patrol arrest you and ask for your grandfathers ID….
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when Museveni attacks Migingo and Kibaki is comfortably sleeping and doing nothing about it
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when the First Lady goes srapping journalists at mid night….i wirr srapp you
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you are enjoying succulent nyama choma at Dagoretti Corner or Olepolos….yummy
@iAlen #youknowyourKenyan when you hear your President saying Kubaff in public…lol

Know of any other reasons that fit into this meme? Go ahead and comment or participate by adding a “#youknowyourKenyan” to your Tweet!

(Twitter logo based on the wonderful work of Gopal – thx!)

Story by KBW correspondent
Publication date: Aug 25th, 2009

FarmVille is a new Kenyan game on Facebook where you can grab land, excel in overgrazing farmland and overstocking sheep & cattle, buy luxurious decorations and spend the rest of the time idling with a sundowner in your hand.

A report by the KenyaTimes recently revealed that most employees in Nairobi CBD are spending their lunch break in front of computers, playing FarmVille. FarmVille is said to have 9 million users worldwide, a quarter of Kenya’s current population.

A personal computer, commonly referred to as an IBM-compatible device, is a machine often see in offices, hidden under a dust cover. The first personal computer was brought to Kenya by an US-American bible translator family in 1979.

One employee of Kenya Paraffin, Lanterns and Candles (KPLC) who wants to remain anonymous, told us that Kenya currently experiences a power rationing program due to an excessive use of Facebook.

Facebook is a very successful website on the internet (mtandao wa intaneti), often used as a dating site and for subversive political and digital activism. The website includes a microblogging service called “status update” which has recently substituted the blooming Kenyan blogosphere.

Another popular microblogging service called “Twitter” (ndege kelele) has meanwhile been condemned by the Government Spokesperson Dr. Alfred E. Neuman who said that “it can not send SMS” to him. In a related matter, Dr. Alfred recently anounced that those without telephone network should sms him directly so that he can forward the matter to the relevant ministry in charge of terrorcommunications.

A delegation of Kenyan MPs, who is currently touring the United States, recently wrote a letter to the Office of the President, asking for a national holiday to celebrate FarmVille Day. This, as they explained in their open letter, will also help those urban citizens who have in the past failed to secure their own upcountry shamba due to lack of funds and competition in their extended family networks.

A group of young Kenyan writers also published an open letter, claiming that FarmVille actually comes from the United States of America and was introduced to Kenyans by visiting UN interns and PeaceCorps youth who used their daily allowances to access the internet from remote villages. This, as they claim, is “clearly evident as there is no mobile version of FarmVille”.

A group of talented programmers from JKUAT is meanwhile working on a mobile version of FarmVille. The project is financed by Sufericom.

In other news, a Mr. Kamau from Muranga’a was today injured in a battle with Mr. Ezekiel Oluoch, an official from the National Bureau of Statistics who had approached Mr. Kamau for Kenya’s fifth national census. In a heated debate, Mr. Kamau refused to state the actual number of his lifestock.

The fifth Kenya National Census is an inititiative by the GoK to allocate farm land on FarmVille according to family size and fixed assets. In an unexpected move, the World Bank and outgoing ambassadors recently called for a country wide introduction of FarmVille so that no Kenyan will have to suffer from malnutrition in future.

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