the open letter

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Dear Chancelorette Dr. Angela Dorothea Merkel,

you may not know me because I didn’t even vote for you during the last general elections, but rest assured, I am just an ordinary german chokora geek who happens to ask nasty questions and rants around in his third-rated blog on something we call the Internet (yes, that thing your buddy Joji Kichaka himself invented some time ago).
Liebe Frau Merkel – may I call you Angie? – my agenda is to promote those special relationships between Germany and Kenya.

I know both of us were born in the same city at different times, but when your parents decided to move to the East, mine decided to move to the very far East (Asia). So I take it that we both know where the East is located. And in case you didn’t know, Kenya is a country in East Africa. Africa, my dear, that continent in the south that some of your voters can’t even locate on the map but already identified as a cause of evil. Talking about the South – Germany has come a long way since the 1960s trying to integrate those turkish workers and their habbits and right now, with Turkey knocking on european doors, you’re still talking about a privileged partnership? Ahhhh c’mon, my dear, isn’t it time for a change? In fact, even Kenya has had their share of "Young Turks" with prominent leaders like Raila Odinga for instance, who’s fluent in German btw because he once studied not far away from where you obtained your permanent head damage (PhD).

To be honest – I never really liked your stubborn personality and your politics so far, but I really appreciate it that they’ve eventually made you become Chancelorette. I think this country – and many others – are in need of more female leaders. Why? Because women, I think, are more straight to the point when it comes to dealing with important issues without regard for any Befindlichkeiten.

The reason I am writing to you today is because I would like to tell you about those recent developments in this country called Kenya.
Kenyans are peace loving people ("watu kwa amani") who succesfully changed from the Moi era to the Kibaki era – which isn’t such a big difference after all, but that’s another story. So, just last week, Kenya had this referendum going on about a new constitution. These folks have been working on a new constitution for some time now and asked the public to vote on it. And it turned out that the majority (you as a democratic person, you know about the importance of obtaining a majority by all means, or?) actually disliked the proposed constitution. As a result of that and other internal twist, the acting president of the Republic of Kenya, Hon. Mwai Kibaki, sacked aaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll his ministers and their resp. assistants. He just sacked them. Just like that.

Angie, I am telling you all this because I know there will be a time in future when you’re thinking about such strong actions and you will dream about the time when you’re standing there in front of all those men and telling them to pack their stuff and go home. Yeah!

Since I know about your quest for wise consultancy on such matters (weren’t you considered the "daughter" of ex-chancellor Dr. Helmut Kohl back in those days when you joined politics?), let me give you this small advice:

YOU WILL NEED TO IMPROVE YOUR HANDICAP, Angie.

We’re talking Golf now, the Golf sport. Remember Joji Kichaka? Yup, he’s busy playing Golf. You’d like to learn how politics are actually made? Learn how to play Golf! In fact, next time you’re in Kenya, please say hi to Mwai from me and tell him that we over here at Kikuyumoja Inc. all appreciate his golfing skills. There’s a lot you can learn from others, my dear. And Golf will just be the perfect sport for you. Trust me on this one.

yours truly,

JKE 

3 comments » Write a comment

  1. And have you built a secret stairway for your escape when they come for you? Sorry I forgot you live in a democracy where all have freedom of speech.

  2. Uaridi, NDIYO, that’ exactly what I had in mind when I hit the “post it” button. Of course it might be wiser to blog about other, less sensitive issues but then I thought I should give it a try. It’s always difficult to draw the line between pure satire and personal assaults but I hope that no one felt offended so far.

    My secret stairway aka escape plan is to hide in the lions cave and hit him while he takes a nap :-)